


"Always Some Monkey Business With You Two!"

by DixieDale



Category: Garrison's Gorillas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 11:35:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19317373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DixieDale/pseuds/DixieDale
Summary: He'd heard it before, of course, any number of times.  "Wasn't our fault, Warden, really it wasn't!  Not this time, anyways!"  Sometimes from Casino, sometimes from Goniff.  On rare occasions from the other two, but mostly from them.  There was ALWAYS some monkey business with those two!  Lord, he could write a book about what they came up with!  Somehow, he had the feeling he should have known this was coming.  Really, it had been inevitable.





	"Always Some Monkey Business With You Two!"

No one was saying a word, waiting for Garrison to pull his thoughts together. The round table in the Common Room was full, everyone present waiting for the leader to say something, anything. 

A stunned Actor was watching from his easy chair in the corner, his forgotten pipe held in his motionless hand. Even for that pair, this was really pushing the envelope.

Surprisingly, Chief, usually so somber, lounging in the chair next to Garrison, was the only one with anything approaching a real smile, partly amusement, partly relief that HE wasn't going to have to shoulder any of the blame for THIS one. 

Garrison, elbows on the table, leaned his face into his hands and took a long, deliberate, calming breath. Yes, it was his own fault. He'd KNOWN better than to give the okay for Goniff and Casino to take off for London together without the stabilizing presence of Actor and Chief. 

Well, to be honest, Actor would probably have headed off on his own too soon to have been of any real help, visiting one of his many elegant women. 

And Chief, well, he might have tried, but with the ever-growing sense of humor the young man was starting to develop, there's no guarantee he would have put a stop to the monkey business anyway, even if he'd been able to.

And there was no guarantee he would have been able to. Once Casino and Goniff got on a roll, got the momentum going, it was damned hard to put the brakes on. No one knew that better than Garrison.

 

So now, Craig Garrison was eyeing the two very bedraggled men sitting across from him, side by side, both smelling heavily of beer and sweat, both showing signs of having been on the receiving end of a few angry fists, probably delivering a few good blows of their own, each with that totally infuriating, stubbornly defiant expression on his face.

The remaining chair was occupied by the only one present who had what Garrison thought was a suitably apprehensive, even apologetic look on his face. Ironically, he was the one Garrison just didn't think was really responsible for this situation.

They listened, all of them, while he demanded answers, groaned with sincerely-felt pain when he got them, then yelled, preached and then yelled some more.

This final pronouncement, still at slightly above the volume he usually used when he WASN'T yelling at them, was certainly unequivocal.

"And I do NOT want anything like this to happen again, do you understand me??!"

He got a calm nod and acquiescent lifting of his pipe from Actor, the tall Italian finally having wrapped his mind around the reality of this situation. Well, it was hardly likely he'd be involved in a situation like this anyway.

Chief had conquered that smile, finally, which was rather a shame since he had a remarkably nice smile, and gave a quick, "sure thing, Warden." 

Garrison saw that twinkle of amusement in those dark eyes though, and forced himself to frown disapprovingly. He was never going to admit that it DID take some effort. But he knew if he let himself see the humor in this situation, he was never going to be able to give his two miscreants the chewing out they truly deserved. Sergeant Major was going to have a conniption, and as far as the folks over at the Stately Homes project, oh good grief!!

Casino had sighed, mightily put upon, it would seem, and nodded reluctantly, but muttering all the while, "still say it wasn't our fault, Warden. Well, yeah, maybe it was the Limey's, but not mine!" 

Goniff hadn't bothered to respond to Casino's throwing him under the bus. Facing Garrison, blue eyes open as wide as they could get, he had given a quick and innocent, ever-so-eager-to-please nod, along with a hopeful smile and a very sloppy salute. "Yes, sir, Lieutenant, sir!!"

And there, in that next chair over, between Chief and Goniff, there was the only one who'd answered his demand by leaping to his feet, straightening to a perfect at-attention stance, and giving a truly respectful, professional, even snappy salute. 

You know, somehow that just didn't seem right, coming from a monkey.

Garrison dropped his face back into his hands, groaned again. But only after he'd caught himself returning that salute, and the guys started roaring with laughter, the monkey leaping into Goniff's arms, seeming to laugh right along with them.

 

Now, in the privacy of his office, well out of earshot of the others so no one would hear if he gave way to the chuckles that were just begging to be let out, Garrison poured himself a drink and allowed himself to truly savor the story Casino and Goniff had told him. Yeah, if he was ever going to write a book, this would for sure have to have a chapter of its own!

 

Monkey Business:

The two-day leave had been an unexpected treat. Yeah, it was unfortunate that Actor had to stay behind to help with the prep for that upcoming mission. So, alright, the two of them had their share of laughs over the high and mighty Italian having to miss out, especially since he'd spent the past three days bragging about how a particularly elegant and desirable lady friend was visiting London (one of his many, seemingly never-endless elegant and desirable lady friends) and was pulling out all the stops for a passionate and luxurious get-together. To hear him tell it, a Royal Affair at Buckingham Palace would have NOTHING on what he was headed for!

Snicker, snicker, "yeah, too bad you can't make it up there with us, Beautiful. You wanna give us her number, maybe we can cheer her up, huh?"

"Yeah, Actor. Might skip the fish eggs on toast, but maybe she'd like to go lift a pint with us. 'Appy to 'ave 'er along, you know; give 'er a taste of 'ow the other 'alf does the sport."

Actor had just scowled at them, and Garrison tried to hide that instinctive smile at his second in command's annoyance.

Now, Chief missing out because of that concussion he'd gotten last trip out not quite leaving him in the partying mood, they both really regretted that. 

No, Chief wasn't as bound on having fun as the two of them, but they were bringing him right along, and he was starting to get with the program. Even let Casino set him up with a broad once in a while, even before the pressure built up to where the kid felt it was 'necessary'. Sheesh, who the hell waited THAT long??! It just wasn't natural! 

Now Goniff, he sometimes had a pretty girl on his knee for part of the evening, when they were somewhere drinking and weren't in a card game, but Casino had the sneaky feeling that when they parted for the night, Casino and his dame going one way for a little hot-and-heavy, Goniff and his going in another direction, that Goniff mostly spent the rest of the night, what there was left of it, alone. Casino wasn't sure he got it - hell, wasn't like there was a wedding ring on anyone's hand, but had to admit, pissing off the Dragon probably wasn't the best idea, so maybe the little Limey really DID know what he was doing.

So, anyhow, this time it was just the two of them, which, as Chief had solemnly teased when they'd been leaving, "that means London's chances of surviving just went down a few notches."

They'd both thought that was funny as hell, though Garrison had almost looked like he was changing his mind about letting them out of his sight. Figuring they'd better get while the gettin was good, they hurried into the car and took off. 

"London, look out! Here we come!"

It started off with a simple drink in the hotel bar, then they decided to waltz on over to one of the more adventurous pubs Goniff knew, and from there to one even more on the edgy side, and before you know it, the two-day leave went straight - well, you could maybe say 'to the dogs', but that would be getting the species wrong. 

They were cheerfully arguing about whether it would be better to start at Rosie's and then try to find a card game, or skip Rosie's and just suss out the best floating game in town. They turned a corner and something came flying out at them, wrapping itself around Goniff's neck, and then it all broke loose.

As Casino, taking a hard swig from his glass explained to the fascinated audience, "so, seems like the little fella took one look at Goniff here and figured him for family. Well, about the same size and there IS a hell of a resemblance. I mean, look at those ears, his mouth, those big eyes. Cept for his eyes being black, stead of blue, could be Goniff's little brother easy! Anyhow, next thing we know, Goniff's got a new fur collar that aint letting go, and this guy with a stick is yelling about how the damned thing bit him and he's gonna bash its skull in. Well, the guy takes a swing with the stick, Goniff dodges, the guy ends up hitting me, and I end up decking him. Then his friends start joining in, and we lit out like our tails were on fire. Well, just us against half a dozen of them, and Goniff is too busy trying to keep the little guy safe to do much more than that."

Goniff snorted, stroking the monkey carefully, moving his own glass away from the curious creature's attempt to take a sip of the whiskey.

"Never mind Casino's going on, Warden; 'e's just jealous cause Ralph likes me better! Sides, been compared to worse, and I think 'e's a cute little fellow. Anyhow, we get back to Marchant's, and I tuck Ralph under my shirt, and I figure we won't 'ave any trouble getting 'im up to our room, when I see the guy on the front desk's eyes go all big, and he starts fast tapping that bell for 'enri. I look down and there Ralph's undone my buttons and 'as 'is 'ead stuck out."

"Yeah, all I can say is Marchant is one laid-back kinda guy. Just took a look at that head poking out, looked at Goniff and me and shook his head. Had pretty much the same kinda 'I'm think I'm gettin a headache' look you get sometimes, Warden. Anyhow, he gives out this big sigh, tells us we're responsible for any breakage, to not let Ralph pee all over everything, but lets us go on up, even sends up some stuff especially for Ralph when he sends up food for us."

"And we DID try to find whoever lost Ralph, really we did, Warden. Seems there was this old organ-grinder who worked one of the corners, and 'is number came up, and when they found 'im, 'is monkey was missing. Figure 'e ran away trying to find something to eat when the old man wasn't around to feed 'im no more. So, Ralph, 'e aint got no one, Warden. Couldn't just leave 'im wandering around the streets, now could we?!!"

Looking around the room, at the faces and the various expressions, he struggled for the appropriate response. All their eyes were on him, waiting. One by one he looked into those eyes, til he circled back to the beginning.

Those eyes, Garrison would remember those eyes for the rest of his life. Big, wide, beseeching eyes. Eyes that told of sheer heartbreak if Garrison was so mean as to send Ralph away to some harsh fate. And when Garrison looked at the monkey, now clinging to Goniff, arms encircling the pickpocket's neck, head cuddled up close, his eyes were much the same. Black instead of hazy blue, but still . . .

 

Sergeant Major: 

Garrison winced at the bellow of outrage coming from the dorm. Well, he'd been expecting it, pretty much. Sergeant Major Rawlins hadn't been here for the past week, had missed the addition - TEMPORARY addition, Garrison kept stressing - of the capuchin monkey now going by the name of Ralph. Now, obviously, Rawlins had stumbled over their guest, probably curled up with one of the guys, even Actor becoming accustomed to finding the small creature on his knee, or in the crook of his arm while he was reading. 

The GUYS, for their part, were trying to become accustomed to seeing their snooty teammate reading aloud to the small creature, stopping now and then to explain some particularly interesting point. Ralph would chirrip encouragingly whenever Actor paused to gather his thoughts or take a puff on his pipe, and the two seemed to enjoy the time together. Somehow it presented a new, more loveable picture of the man, enough they refrained from teasing him. Much, anyway.

No, Garrison didn't know why the guys decided on 'Ralph' as a name, and frankly, he just didn't have enough stamina to even ask the question. 

The impact of him agreeing to let Ralph stay, if only til they found him a good home, was immediate. The newfound respect he was getting was gratifying, of course, though it would have been more so if it had been coming from his guys and not just from Ralph. 

He was still trying to come to grips with having FIVE sets of eyes on him when he explained tactics or gave them a lecture on proper behavior or any of a number of other things; the fact that Ralph sometimes seemed the only one genuinely interested was not lost on him. And those solemn nods from the little guy, indicating complete understanding and agreement with whatever Garrison was preaching, those were more than a little unnerving. 

And walking in on Ralph doggedly trying to teach Goniff and Casino the proper way to salute had left him stunned. Damn! Ralph really had that down pat! 

The annoyance on Ralph's face when Casino shrugged off his instructions was obvious, and for a minute Garrison thought Casino was about to get a strong nip from those strong teeth. 

And the look Ralph had given Garrison, a look of sheer hopeless frustration, that resigned shrug and upheld, outstretched hands when Goniff, once again, did that odd little thing with his fingers and tipped his head to one side while attempting the manoeuvre, well, Garrison knew exactly how Ralph felt! 

Still, Gil Rawlins had to be appeased, placated with the assurance that yes, it was a monkey, but no, it wasn't staying. Just as soon as they found a proper home for Ralph, he'd be gone. Garrison checked his bottom drawer; he was sure that discussion was going to require liquor.

 

Epilogue:  
It took some asking around, some serious consideration, because no way was Ralph going to go someplace where he wouldn't be appreciated and cared for properly. And, to be honest, none of the guys wanted him so far away they couldn't see him every now and again. So, they got attached. So sue them! 

The solution turned out to be just about ideal. Nellie McGuire's father had been gruffly enthusiastic about the notion when she broached the matter. After all, he'd had a monkey when he was a boy, one his father, a seaman, had brought home from a voyage. 

"Good company, he was. Clean as a cat, though with some odd habits. Boys would like having him around, and I expect George would be pleased too when he gets home. He always liked my stories about Chiripy. We'll see he's no extra work for you, Nellie," the old man had promised enthusiastically, and Nellie had to laugh. Her father seemed as excited about the prospect as she knew the boys were going to be.

 

So Ralph found a good home, and the guys went back to just being four in the dorm instead of five. They missed him, yes, but they adjusted.

Though Actor did seem to look a little lonely now, during his reading sessions. Figuring their conman was missing his little reading buddy, Casino had made what he considered a sensible suggestion. Well, that's what he'd told Garrison when the officer had come up to break up the fight.

"Hell, Warden. Just told Actor that if he asked nice, bet Goniff would come sit on his knee or cuddle up with him while he read some of his high-toned shit. Them being so much alike, he probably wouldn't even have known the difference. Seemed reasonable to me. Don't know what they both got so bent outta shape about!"

 

Ralph:  
"How do I like it here? Well, it's different than the other places I've known, has its ups and downs, but mostly ups. I like it better than that place with all the noisy machines and the nasty smells and the man who tried to hit me with a stick. And there's more room than what I had when I lived with the old man, Jackie. That was funny. His name was Jackie, and people called me Jacko. Well, HE thought it was funny."

"The insects here aren't as tasty as the ones I remember from when I was younger, before I got caught in that trap, but there aren't as many snakes and the ones they do have are a lot smaller. I tried eating one but it was pretty nasty."

"The flowers are small and pale, like they don't get enough sun, not big and bright, but they don't puff nasty stuff at you and don't have thorns, except for the ones Nll-ee calls roses."

"The little birds are tasty and easy to catch, though Nll-ee and the boys scold if they catch me eating one. Why that's not okay, but it's okay when Nll-ee takes the feathers and feet and beaks and all off a big bird and puts them over a fire, I don't really understand. And those parts they throw away? Those are some of the best parts! And the nut trees here are wonderful! Kinds I've never had before, and sometimes I eat so many my stomach sticks out like Joey's ball!" 

"My disappointments? Well, I never did get Gnnnnf to salute properly; his hand keeps making that little question-mark shape instead of him keeping it straight; and he keeps cocking his head to one side, his chin following that tilt of his fingers. No, I don't know why, and he just makes that little sound in his throat when I try to push his fingers and chin to the right position. Csssnnn didn't even try; he said he COULD, right enough, but he didn't want to spoil Green-Eyes." 

"There aren't very many dogs around, and I like that. Dogs can be mean; see this scar on my shoulder? That's from a dog. The ones that are here, Gnnnnf took me to meet, explained they weren't to chase me or tease me, told me not to be teasing or throwing things at them either. The big one was Sybl, who lives with MsWlsn, and the littler one was Mxx."

"Mxx lives with Gnnnnf's mate, Gda, the one with the long red mane. No, I don't know why Gnnnnf and Gda don't live together in the same nest all the time; I'd like to ask but I don't want to pry. Maybe she snores? It would have to be awful loud to be worse than Cssssnnn and Aktrr, though. Can't be Gnnnnf; he doesn't snore, just makes these little noises, like he's almost talking but not quite. No, it's got to be her. It's a shame, because she seems awfully cuddly otherwise. He thinks so too, I know, because they spend a lot of time grooming each other, and feeding each other tidbits, along with other things."

"I have a lot of responsibilities, but so far I'm holding up just fine. The secret is being sure to take a nap in between jobs. It's up in the middle of the night to keep Grnthr company when he can't sleep. Then a nap before I go watch Nll-ee working in the garden; I eat the bugs she stirs up. Another nap with the boys before they get up and go to school. Sometimes I patrol the garden and the orchard for tasty bugs and lizards before it's time to go keep Grnthr company during his afternoon read. Aktrr got me used to that, and I really like it. I help the boys with their homework, though they can't seem to get the hang of spelling; they keep putting too many letters in the proper names. You just don't NEED all those different letters; it only confuses things, don't you think? At night, when Nll-ee goes to work at that place where they serve beer (which smells funny but tastes pretty good when Grnthr lets me have a little of his), I watch the boys and make sure Grnthr doesn't drop his pipe and start a fire. Like I said, a lot of responsibility, but all in all, it's a pretty good life."

"If I had to find someone to run to when that man was chasing me, I'm just glad it was Gnnnnf and Cssssnnn. Even if they CAN'T figure out how to salute."


End file.
